Tuesday, June 01, 2010

The C.W.A. of Dr. Z. Smith: Episode 56: National Emergency

 Last Week, As you recall…
   "Zachary, We're at war." Said Capt. James Brown of the Legopolis city rooftop police, as he calmly accepted a tall, cold glass of iced tea from Dr. Smith's robotic butler, Jeeves. 
    "With WHO?" Asked Dr. Smith, frantically.  His frantic attitude caused him to drop his bowl of SucrosePuffz™ onto the polished wood floor.
      "The French." Capt. Brown said calmly, watching the sugar-coated-sugar breakfast cereal eat through Dr. Smith's polished wood floor like Hydrochloric acid.  Which SucrosePuffz™, being one of the lower-quality breakfast cereals, probably contained.  
    Dr. Smith, oblivious to the corrosion happening inches from his left foot, worriedly scratched his right cheek, just below his ear.  An area which seemed to be growing a beard independent of the rest of his face.  "You're quite sure we're at war?  They aren't maybe…Tourists?" He said Tourists with an air of hopefulness, not being a huge fan of war.   
  Capt. Brown shook his head. "If they are tourists," He said "They are tourists at war with Legopolis, judging by the heavy artillery they are emptying into our border patrol officers."  Dr. Smith nodded sadly, tourists emptying heavy artillery into border patrol officers was a classic hallmark of war.
 It was then that Dr. Smith noticed the hole in his floor.
   "Maybe I'll just have…toast."
    "What are we doing here?" Asked Capt. Brown, "This isn't even the side of the plateau they're attacking!"  
 Dr. Smith quickly shushed him,  "More quietly.  That's exactly what they want us to think." He whispered.  "OK, Now look over the edge…here." 
  Capt. Brown looked, and saw nothing. 
   "Oops, I forgot, this is an overhang, we'll have to climb down the face a bit to actually see them." 
 Capt. Brown rolled his eyes, but played along, knowing that Dr. Smith was usually right.

-=fig. 371: the french invasion of legopolis: climb=-
"You were right Zachary!" 
 "Of course I was right.  Wait, you doubted me?"
Capt. Brown saw that this was a moment to either change the subject or lie strategically.  He decided on both.
   "No, Zachary.  Of course not, keep your head down and your voice quiet in case they hear us."
     "Good plan James, nice strategic lie by the way."   The french invaders seemed to be controlled by the man standing on the platform in a black beret.  He called out to his troops: 
  "Vers le haut de la falaise, mes hommes! Ces mauviettes pensée va s'incliner devant la puissance de l'Empire français, et cette terre est encore la nôtre!
 "What did he say Zachary?"
   "Can't tell, he is either french or dreadfully diseased.  Either way, I can't understand a word he's saying."
      "You can't understand french?  But they're our biggest and most technologically advanced neighboring country,  French is taught in every school from Kindërgårten to college, even the street urchins speak french, and you don't?  What about all that time we were in France?"
  " If you recall, I was violently ill the entire time, they assumed I knew the language.  And every other moment was spent trying to keep you out of jail, so don't tell me you didn't pick something up." 
     "Mainly what I picked up was: " 'Au voleur!' 'Je le tenais pour…un ami?' And, the all-time favorite: 'Non coupable votre honneur. Honnête.'  But honestly, Zachary, that's it.  Nothing in the way of conversational french, you could say." 
        "All right, so we can't talk them down.  What about the army?"
         "I'm afraid the Legopolis city armed forces, in a joint effort with the Legopolis city rooftop police, are engaging the french army on the other side of the plateau."
           "Wait, that's everybody.  Must be one heck of an army the French have. You Know what this means?  We're on our own.  I'm kind of tired of being on our own.  But if we must, If only we had some weapo–" This was interrupted by Capt. Brown, who was suddenly and quite silently wielding two handguns, one in each hand. 
  "Two, James?  Isn't that a little…excessive?" 
    "Zachary, I Hate to tell you, but we're outnumbered.  Two-to-one.  What do you suggest?"
     "I suggest we watch them."
      "Watch them?"
        "Yes.  We can't move from this spot without them noticing, so we might as well see where they're going.  And besides, you can't kill them all in one go, even with your ambidextrous approach to gun-wielding." 

-=fig. 371: the french invasion of legopolis: march=-

The French invaders sliced their way through the under-brush.  They were a silent bunch, silent but deadly.  These were the elite assassins of the french armed forces,  murderers, thieves. Some, worse than that, tax-collectors.  The hot august sun beat down on them from above, but the air was perfectly still.  Any insect that dared venture into that heat was instantly burnt.  But the french invaders retained their Berets, for a Frenchman, no matter how hot, will never abandon his Beret.
  Dr. Smith and Capt. Brown watched from the nearby bushes.
   "What are they doing now Zachary?"
    "Same thing as a few minutes ago, but now they seem to be doing it in the shade."
 Capt. Brown fanned himself with his hat.  Even with the soupçon of shade the bush they were hiding under provided, it was still singularly hot. "I don' t think this was such a good idea, if we had just killed them when we had the chance, instead of engaging in this espionage we wouldn't be subjected to this extraordinary heat!"
  Dr. Smith nodded, he agreed, of course.  But the heat didn't bother him in the least due to his patented TWEED™Coat  {Totally Without External Environment Device}  Which generated a small field of self-contained environs, cooling him when necessary.
    "Zachary, How can you be wearing that wool coat and not be melting in this heat?"
      "It's TWEED™.  Sh."
        "Tweed huh?  Well my coat's Leather, and–"
         "Quiet, they're moving."
 And indeed they were moving, but the only indication of this was the fact that they weren't where they were a minute ago.
  Capt. Brown looked up from the ground,  where he had been trying to push himself further into the shade under the bush, with minimized success
   "Where did they go?"  He said. 
     "Juste derrière vous, imbécile."

-=Best Regards=-
Sir Jacob D. Fredrickson Esq.
Chief Executive Officer of Early Bird Industries, Inc.