Tuesday, October 5, 2010

The C.W.A. of Dr. Z. Smith: Episode #72: Death's Pawns


Last Week As You Recall…
We open with a drum-roll and a sad trumpet solo. 
  "Mr. Gorbekev, burn this Flag."  Ordered Capt. Brown, mayor of Legopolis.
WOOMPH!
 The drummer tries a Hi-Hat and the Trumpet takes off in a fast-paced jazz number, adding to the cheerful atmosphere of the occasion. 
 The cannons mounted high above fire a salvo of confetti onto the cheering crowd below.

-=fig. 532: impatience=-
  
"Where's Dr. Smith?" Capt. Brown irritatedly asked his aide,  "He should be here to join in the festivities!"
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YOUR MOVE, DR. SMITH.
  "I'm thinking, I'm thinking." 
 THAT'S QUITE ALRIGHT.  I CAN WAIT.
  "Erm. Pawn to A3"
  KNIGHT TO A6.  
  "Pawn to… B4." 
  KNIGHT TO B4.
"Pawn to B4! HA!" 

-=fig. 533: pawn to b4=-

 The Pawn formerly on A3 opened fire on DEATH'S Knight.
 The Pawn formerly on A3 walked triumphantly into the knights old spot. 
   "Take THAT, DEATH!" 
 I REFUSE TO.  BISHOP TO B4.
A dark figure, who could have been confused for a knight if not for the cross on his chest, detached itself from the shadows to DEATH'S Right and came barreling down the board with tremendous speed.   The Pawn on B4 tried to shoot the bishop, but the gun was out of bullets.  By then it was too late.   The bishop took the Pawn.   On Dr. Smith's orders a Rooftop Policeman {Playing the part of a rook} Positioned himself in the A4 square, but by then DEATH had pulled the bishop out of range.
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Dr. Smith was losing pieces fast. Every attack, well thought out and clever, that Dr. Smith tried was met with the perfect counter, which somehow managed to leave DEATH'S pieces untouched.  Which wasn't to say that the Black Side was entirely intact, it wasn't, but there were quite a lot more of them.  
  "It's time I really started to play.  Queen to E2!  Aha! Check!"
    NO. I MOVE TO E8 AND OUT OF CHECK.
"Good! Queen to C4! Go Ms. Phillips!" 
  As Ms. Phillips ran to capture the rook that was threatening Dr. Smith's knight, DEATH Said:  BISHOP TO C4. 
The bishop started zig-zagging his way across the board.
  Dr. Smith looked up from where he had been carefully plotting all the moves {A scrap of paper he had found in his shirt pocket}   "But you can't do that in one move!  That's cheating!" 
 YOU HUMANS CHEAT ME AT THIS GAME ALL DAY LONG.  IT'S TIME I LEVELED THE PLAYING FIELD.
  "Look out Ms Phillips!" Dr. Smith yelled in vain "He's Cheating!" 
But the Bishop was already there. 

-=fig. 534: the queen gets a go=-

The bishop took Dr. Smith's Queen, and kept going. 
   It zipped about the board, until it tried to take Dr. Smith's knight.  

-=fig. 535: resistance=-

Jeeves resisted with a sharp right uppercut.
  With the power of his pneumatic mussels behind it the punch sent the Bishop flying out of his square.
Dr. Smith's forces consisted now of two pawns and two knights. 
 Five pieces in total, counting Dr. Smith.
  Death's Queen, a gruesome creature, bore down on Dr. Smith's pawn.  She didn't last long.
 Now that the rules had been relaxed and/or disolved completely, Dr. Smith's pawns {with their long-range muskets}  were much more powerful.   
  Dr. Smith tried moving to a square a he couldn't have before, {Forward Two} and found that he could. 
    "The Movement rules have been dissolved!  Everyone!  To the far side!" 
  The pawns broke combat, and scampered to the far side, the Knights took as many pieces as they could, protecting the pawns as they went.  Unfortunately, the Black Pieces wouldn't stay taken, for when they got shunted off their square, nothing happened.
  And they could move faster than Dr. Smith's pieces.   
    "Jeeves!" Shouted Dr. Smith, "Keep those pawns from reaching our side!" 
      "On it Sir!" Chorused the two Knights.
The Knights stopped the Black pawns permanently, but died in the process.  Those Monoids were sneakier and more dangerous than they looked.
 Dr. Smith was now down to his last pawn. 
   But DEATH was down to his last rook.  DEATH'S Rook was slow, but powerful.
     Dr. Smith Hopped over the corpses of his friends and enemies, taking a sword formerly belonging to a bishop in the process.   
 If Capturing wasn't an option, perhaps killing was. 
   "DEATH! I challenge you to a duel!"   
      DEATH Stopped in his pursuit of Dr. Smith's pawn, and laughed. 
  "WITH WHAT?   THAT?  I THINK I CAN DO BETTER."  And he was holding a staff,  Five feet tall, and glowing with evil at the top.   Dr. Smith met him, But DEATH was inhumanly strong.   Not even Dr. SMith's considerabl skill with a sword could save him, it was only a matter of time. 
    Luckily Dr. Smith didn't need long.
  "Sir!" Said Dr. Smith's last remaining pawn, "I Have made it!" 
  "Good!" Said Dr. Smith as DEATH pinned him down, I Proclaim You…A King!"
    WHAT?! THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE WHITE KING PER GAME!
This gave Dr. Smith the opening he needed.

-=fig. 536: checkmate=-
     
"Checkmate." he said, and ran DEATH through.
   The World Ended.
  -=-
The shovel broke through the cheap plywood an inch from Dr. Smith's head. 

-=fig. 537: rescue=-

Bits of dirt and broken plywood rained down on Dr. Smith's face. 
  "Oh! There you are! Good." Came the cheery, deep voice of Capt. Brown from above.  "We won!"  Capt. Brown Pulled Dr. Smith out of the hole with one arm, which very nearly dislocated Dr. Smith's shoulder. 

-=fig. 538 : dislocation=-

As Dr. Smith's eyes adjusted to the sudden brightness, Capt. Brown shoved a suitcase at him.
 Dr. Smith caught it, barely.
  "Here.  They sold your hat and coat."
    "Thanks, What did we win?"
      "The War, Zachary!  The War!"
       "With who?"
        "The French! Don't you remember?"
          " 'Course," It had come back to him, vaguely. " 'Course I remember." Somethig else came back to him "The Guys who put me in the ground–" 
            "Are mobsters, yes.  We've been suspecting them of mob-type activity for awhile now, but we couldn't prove it.  Not that an all powerful Tyrant-Mayor like me needs proof, you understand, although it helps with PR. Regardless, we have them in custody now."
          All of this light and noise was getting to Dr. Smith.  He felt for sure that he was getting a migraine.
    "Do you mind If I just go somewhere dark, and quiet, and never move again?" 
  Capt. Brown looked at him, worriedly, but with a hint of humour. "Sure.  I Could put you back in the hole…" 
    Dr. Smith laughed. It wasn't that funny, but all this oxygen was getting to him. 
 "What did we win?" 
   "The war with the french, Zachary, I just told you."
 Then It occurred to Dr. Smith. "James listen carefully, I have a concussussionun."
   Then he fell sideways, staring blankly at nothing.
"All right, Which one of youse hit him?"
  David 'Goliath" Johnsson slowly raised his hand, taking his brother up in the air with it.
 Capt. Brown pointed at his lieutenant, "You!  Make sure he gets a small, dark cell and never leaves it again. And get me a doctor."


-=Best Regards=-
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Sir Jacob D. Fredrickson Esq.
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Chief Executive Officer of Early Bird Industries, Inc.
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