Charon is the one afterlife myth I can believe in.
Take the Egyptians, they beleived that after you die, you get to keep all your stuff.
But you'll need it, because dying is just the beginning, once dead you embark on a huge odyssey of trials, tribulations, tests, trickiness… Et Certera. In fact, so much, you need a guide book filled with the answers, and maps, and cheatcodes. And even if you do make it to the end, there's also the final test, where you heart is weighed against the Feather Of Truth.
A feather.
I don't don't know about you, but my heart isn't coming out on the better side of that deal.
And if you fail that one, crucial test, your soul is eaten by Ammit the Devourer.
Game over.
And even if you do win, in a weight test, against a feather, their afterlife isn't too much better than what we have here.
Then take the Christian way, and allow me to put on my southern preacher voice here;
A–fter you die, THE A–ngels come DOWN from above, and bring you Up, Up Up! To the pearly white gates of heaven. WHERE YOU wait inaline to be judged by HIS HO–LINESS the Archangel Wossname, And when it IS your turn, he READS his ledger, and says unto you: Sorry bud, you're not on the list. And Then he PULLS the giant red LEE–VER of rightiousnees, and Puh–Lunges your soul Down, Down, Down! To BURN in the fires of HELL for all ee–ternity.
Not for me, personally.
But the Greeks, they had it down.
See, at this point, they were still simple farmers, mostly, that newfangled ‘Fancy Math’ stuff was still just getting started, but they had coins, and a system.
They believed that after you die, you wander about in the fog for a bit, avoid the three-headed-dog {I can do that, Dogs are easy} and eventually come to the river Styx.
Waiting at the river, is a ferryman. Charon. You pay the man your coins {Or on some cases, coin} that you were buried with, and he takes you to the other side of the river.
Simple.
And what's at the other side of the river?
Well, you'll just have to find out when we get there.
Take the Egyptians, they beleived that after you die, you get to keep all your stuff.
But you'll need it, because dying is just the beginning, once dead you embark on a huge odyssey of trials, tribulations, tests, trickiness… Et Certera. In fact, so much, you need a guide book filled with the answers, and maps, and cheatcodes. And even if you do make it to the end, there's also the final test, where you heart is weighed against the Feather Of Truth.
A feather.
I don't don't know about you, but my heart isn't coming out on the better side of that deal.
And if you fail that one, crucial test, your soul is eaten by Ammit the Devourer.
Game over.
And even if you do win, in a weight test, against a feather, their afterlife isn't too much better than what we have here.
Then take the Christian way, and allow me to put on my southern preacher voice here;
A–fter you die, THE A–ngels come DOWN from above, and bring you Up, Up Up! To the pearly white gates of heaven. WHERE YOU wait inaline to be judged by HIS HO–LINESS the Archangel Wossname, And when it IS your turn, he READS his ledger, and says unto you: Sorry bud, you're not on the list. And Then he PULLS the giant red LEE–VER of rightiousnees, and Puh–Lunges your soul Down, Down, Down! To BURN in the fires of HELL for all ee–ternity.
Not for me, personally.
But the Greeks, they had it down.
See, at this point, they were still simple farmers, mostly, that newfangled ‘Fancy Math’ stuff was still just getting started, but they had coins, and a system.
They believed that after you die, you wander about in the fog for a bit, avoid the three-headed-dog {I can do that, Dogs are easy} and eventually come to the river Styx.
Waiting at the river, is a ferryman. Charon. You pay the man your coins {Or on some cases, coin} that you were buried with, and he takes you to the other side of the river.
Simple.
And what's at the other side of the river?
Well, you'll just have to find out when we get there.
Hahahaha!!! Best blog post ever, I love this so much!
ReplyDeleteYou have the preacher thing down pat...'sorry bud'
Hahahaha!!! Best blog post ever, I love this so much!
ReplyDeleteYou have the preacher thing down pat...'sorry bud'
This whole speech has actually been ‘In The Can’ {if you will,} for some time now. But I just now wrote it down.
ReplyDeleteI can actually do a pretty good southern preacher¹ So I just wrote down how my impression sounded like it should be written.
I really do believe that Charon is the after-life way to go, It's Simple, It's effective, you don't need a guidebook or a preacher, It's the sort of myth people who deal mainly in sheep _would_ make up.
And in the version I've always heard, you put your two silver coins over your eyes, That would freak-the-hell out of whoever's at my funeral.
—Jacob
¹If you've ever seen the episode of ‘Mork and Mindy’ where Mork gets captured by the sidewalk-doomsayer, I was pulling from Mork's impression of a preacher. First season, one of the early episodes. If haven't seen it, rent it, buy it, do something. It's an awesome show.