wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka…
The Jag's tires Squealed over the wet pavement,
“Go Faster!” hissed the motorcycle's driver, but it wouldn't.
 |
| -=fig. 664: chase=- |
Hot lead flew from the tommy gun the motorcycles passenger was holding,
It shattered the Jag's windshield. “That's it.” Capt. Brown said, “Zachary, take the wheel.”
“James, I can't drive.”
“Well, now's a good time to learn.” He said as he stood up in his seat, drawing his guns.
Capt. Brown returned fire to the little motorcycle.
The Jag started to weave, Dr. Smith took the wheel.
It wove more.
“Look out!” Shouted Capt. Brown as they shot off the road, toward the lake.
 | |
|
Ding Dong.
Ding Dong.
“Jeeves would you get that?” Dr. Smith yelled, returning Capt. Brown's serve.
Capt. Brown threw himself behind the couch and the tennis ball whizzed over his head, bounced off a wall, and smashed a decorative something made of glass.
“Four Points! Bravo, Zachary!” Capt. Brown said from behind the couch. He peeked over the couch, retrieved the ball, then shot off like a rocket for the south door. Dr. Smith saw him go, but wasn't fast enough with his water-balloon cover fire.
“SIXTH BASE!” Capt. Brown yelled, “I get the special racket!”
“But it also means Double Jeopardy.”
“Oh no!” But it was too late.
They both scrambled though the blue door down the hallway, but since they were in Double Jeopardy they had to walk backwards until someone got to ninth base and recited the Double Jeopardy Reversal Incantation.
Dr. Smith tripped over a low-flying table three feet into the hallway, but Capt. Brown made it to the study, where ninth base was hidden behind a picture in the wall safe.
That was when Capt. Brown realised he didn't know the combination and couldn't crack the safe with his back to the wall.
So he used the special racket.
Two minutes later Dr. Smith made it into the study to find Capt. Brown reciting the Double Jeopardy Reversal Incantation with his arm up to the elbow in the crater where the safe used to be.
“Tigres sunt mean
Tigres sunt ferocia
Tigres sunt dentes
Et ungues ut penetrare!” Finished Capt. Brown. “Your serve, I think, Zachary.” He said. Tossing Dr. Smith a basketball.
“Very good.” Dr. Smith said.
He tossed it in the air, and readied his tennis racket.
“SIR!” Called Jeeves,
Dr. Smith missed.
The ball shot though the air. Capt. Brown caught it and ran out the other door.
 |
| -=fig. 666: calvinball=- |
Dr. Smith ran after him, hurdled the spikes, swung over the pit, and just arrived in time to see Capt. Brown sliding into home base. “Touchdown!” He yelled. Doing a little dance.“That makes it 256⅞ to 163.”
“How about best two out of three?” Dr. Smith said. As a side thought he wondered where that noise was coming from, it sounded like a guitar, but run through some sort of manually variated electronic modulation—
“Sir?” Jeeves' Voice brought him out of his reverie.
“What is it Jeeves?”
“There are some people here to see you, Sir, They claim to be filmmakers.”
 |
| -=fig. 667: filmmakers from the tavee=- |
“Ah! Dr. Smith.” The Vampire said, shaking Capt. Brown's hand. “I have heard quite a bit.”
“Obviously not enough,” Dr. Smith said, “Because I'm over here. And you are?”
“Otto. I'm in charge of this little…outfit. Mr. Radio sent us?”
“Ah.” Dr. Smith said. “You're them. Well, come in. If you want anything just ask Jeeves here, He'll get it for you.”
“Actually,” Otto Chriek said, “We wanted to ask you some things. Talk to the man himself that sort of thing. Do you have any chairs?”
They sat.
“So,” Otto started, “How old are you?”
“21.” Dr. Smith lied
“And what is it you do all day?”
“Well, James and I just finished playing a good-old fashioned game of calvinball.”
“And do you live here, Capt. Brown?”
“No.”
This surprised Dr. Smith. “You mean you actually live in that dinky little apartment? I thought that was a ruse!”
Otto interrupted, “It's pronounced ‘Rooze’, actually.”
“No it isn't. It's pronounced ‘Ruce’, to rhyme with goose or deuce.” Capt. Brown said.
“Why don't you live here?” Dr. Smith continued, “you spend most of your time here anyway, and I have plenty of room.”
“I don't want to, thanks.”
“But getting back to my questions,” Otto tried, “What else do you do all day?”
“Read.” Dr. Smith said, thinking, “Um. Listen to records. Invent stuff.”
“Such as?”
“I'll show you.”
 |
| -=fig. 668: re-animation failure=- |
“And this is my latest project, I'm trying to bring the dead…Back to Life!”
Otto Chriek, Vampire, Was less than impressed. “That's not actually all that hard.” He said.
“Right, ” Dr. Smith said, “But I'm using natural philosophy, Science! Not magic.”
“Oh.” Said Otto, “Well that's impossible.”
“It isn't actually, This guy over in what used to be germany¹ did it, once, but that didn't turn out…all that well. I managed to get ahold of his notes, but we haven't had any success. Yet.”
“Is there anything you have had success with?”
“Oh yeah.” Dr. Smith said, jumping off the platform and pulling things at random out of the piles on the ground “This is a thing for transmitting photographs as telegram data, this is a pen that can write upside-down, this is a camera so small you can fit it in a coat pocket, tiny film for said camera, a device for measuring barometric pressure and displaying it on a gauge, and this, which is clasp that keeps hair in a tidy bundle.”
“And what does this do?” Asked Otto, pointing his finger dangerously close to a benign-looking machine.
“DON"T TOUCH IT!” Dr. Smith and Capt. Brown chorused, “It's not ready.” Dr. Smith said, “It's supposed to sort and fold socks, which it does, but you don't want your fingers anywhere near it at any time.” Otto backed up a few steps from the sock-folding machine.
“Ahem.” Said Jeeves, by way of announcing his presence.
“Yes Jeeves?”
“Sir, and Mr. Chriek, the Crew wishes to inform you that you should get going before you lose the morning light.”
-=-
“We're going to start with a car chase,” Otto announced, “and then reveal the events leading up to it in an “Earlier…” sequence which takes up the whole show. These will be your co-stars, meet ‘Von TipRău’ Ludwig Aufenstein and his assistant.”
 |
| -=fig. 669: old friends=- |
Dr. Smith said nothing. He stared into the black pits of the man's eyes, searching for the lie.
“Hi!” Said Capt. Brown. “Gosh, If I didn't know you, I'd think you were Von TipRău himself!” He laughed like this was funny.
Dr. Smith didn't.
-=-
Otto called action, and the chase began.
The motorcyclists started firing.
Their bullets bounced off the Jag's steel body,
ping ping ping
“They're using real bullets!” Capt. Brown shouted,
“Of course they are.” Dr. Smith said.
Hot lead flew from the tommy gun the motorcycles passenger was holding,
ping ping
It shattered the Jag's windshield. “That's it.” Capt. Brown said, “Zachary, take the wheel.”
“James, I can't drive.”
“Well, now's a good time to learn.” He said as he stood up in his seat, drawing his guns.
Capt. Brown returned fire to the little motorcycle, but missed it.
The Jag started to weave, Dr. Smith took the wheel.
It wove more.
“Look out!” Shouted Capt. Brown as they shot off the road, toward the lake.
“AAAH!” Screamed Dr. Smith.
Splash Said the Jag.
“At least We're not moving anymore.” Capt. Brown said as they sank gently, He took aim at the Motorcycle, and fired. He hit it. It flipped, once, and exploded in a huge ball of flame.
“Huh. They don't usually do that.” He said.
But Dr. Smith just laughed, Von TipRău was dead!
“CUT!” Otto yelled. “Did you get all that, the explosion, the splash, the gunfire? Good! Good job everyone.”
“Hey! Otto!” Capt. Brown called, Otto walked over to the lake. “Motorcycles don't usually flip over like that, what happened?”
“We rigged it with explosives. Don't worry, nobody was aboard, we switched the one from earlier with a stunt dummy.”
Dr. Smith jumped in the lake.
¹ Now a region of france.
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And have a nice rest–of–your–day you guys.
—Jacob